Post by Remora/Juliet on Jul 5, 2008 15:40:58 GMT -5
I started reading Twilight, excited for the "action," "edge-of-your-seat entertainment" and "twisting, turning, exhilerating plot" all my friends had told me about. By the end of the first chapter, I was disgusted. But I had been told it got better, so I suffered through 498 pages of plotless, sensual, flat writing that was more like the daydreams of a boy-crazy, nymphmaniac twelve-year-old who was obsessed with vampires and had no experience in writing in a decent way. This may seem a bit harsh, but I shall elaborate:
MyRuthless Slaughter Constructive Criticism of Stephenie Meyer's Writing Style:
Alow me to start with a question: Who was this lady's editor? I mean, honestly, there were more grammatical and spelling errors in just the first book than I've seen in un-beta'd fanfic. And I thought publishing companies had higher expectations. I've heard that original fiction has a lower publishing rate than fanfic. After briefly skimming--I could never, under any circumstances be forced to go through the process of reading it again--through Twilight again, I seriously doubted that statistic.
Moving on, another major flaw is the repetativeness of it all. I mean, sure she's so "in love" with Edward, but she has no point in elaborating on how perfect Edward is. Unless, of course, Stephenie Meyer has such a low opinion of her readers that she feels they don't get it the first fifty times. (No exaggeration.) Great, we get it. Get on with the plot already. Oh, that is the plot? Oh, dear. This is worse than I thought. Honestly, the book would be half as long if ever stinking unnecessary description was cut out!
Syntax, grammar, spelling, flow, repetitivness and plot issues aside, one of the most important aspects of writing remains: characterization. Pulling off well-rounded, likeable characters with whom people can sympathize is what can make or break a bok. You could have the greatest plot in the world, but if you can't amke your protagonists real, three demensional people, readers will start to wonder why they should care.
I shall now elaborate on the character flaws of the protagonists:
Bella Swann: First off, I must say this: Stephenie Meyer, you have got to be kidding me! Beatiful Swan? That is the Mary Sue of the month right there, just for her name.
*skips long definition of Mary Sue used when I wrote it for a fan friend*
Basically, everything about Bella is just the author trying to tell us, "Look at my darling! Love her the way I do!" Either she has no taste or is seeing something I'm not. While I have nothing against clumsiness, there is no possible way for someone to go from so clumsy, they all but need a handicap parking place and one of those blue stickers on their license plate to graceful enough to pretty much have to pretend to trip to catch uberhot!mysteryboy's attention.
Another problem with Bella is how she is the "oh so shy!new girl" and yet she has no less than two guys hanging on her every word by the end of second period, and has a whole bunch of new friends, while snubbing them all. She passes off the first guy who is actually polite to her as the "overly helpful chess club type." I wanted to strangle her, I honestly did. There is NOTHING WRONG with being the "chess club type." Oh, and next period, she meets a guy who says the EXACT SAME THINGS to her, and she immediately starts chatting with him. Discriminating much? I think so. By this point, my tut-tutting at Bella's Mary-Sue-ness has turned into a full-blown hatred.
And then there's her "TWU WUV" with Edward. I mean, come on. No female in her right mind would fall that head over heels in love with a guy that fast just because he's a GlamRock!vampire. Notice, I said "right mind." That is because his fanbase and Bella herself so obviously aren't. All Bella is and does probably makes poor, long dead Susan B. Anthony roll over in her grave and want to smack Stephenie Meyer upside the head with a hardcover edition of the book. Or maybe a thesaurus, but that's another story.
The only person Bella's angsting over Edward makes me want to hug and comfort is our good friend Susan back there.
Oh, and get this: Bella's heart literally, freaking stops when she kisses Edward. I mean, how wrong is that? My word, no one's heart is going to stop from kissing. They don't even do that in Hollywood!
And plus, she isn't even really in love with Edward. All the signs she's showing point to infatuation, bordering on lust. Is that really what we want teenage girls exposed to in these days of fractured families and crumbling morals? No! It disgusts me. I, for one, am completely against relationships based solely on looks. (Bella "loves" Edward because he's "oh so goreous, like OMG!" and Edward "loves" Bella because he can't read her mind and she smells good. I think he can't read her mind because there's nothing to read. Really, I should know. I had to read 500 pages of what's in there and it can be summed up in, "Liek, OMG, EDWARD! EDWARD IZ SO SEXY LIEK OMG! AND IF HE LEAVES ME ILL DI!" (note, I died a bit inside typing that.))
Even better is her sense of humor: "My mother was part albino." Seriously, she gets upset that the guy she's talking to doesn't find that funny! That is not funny, it's a disgrace! (I even read this one article about it, and it said that Mormons probably had no sense of humour, based on that. I'm very, very embarassed that SM is one of us. But wait! She started the cult that is Twilight! Maybe she really isn't! Anyway, I'm just saying, I'm considering becoming a stand-up comedian to help pay for college, so I find that offensive.)
And better yet? She called that gem of a phrase "heavy sarcasm." Isn't that so funny? </REAL sarcasm>
She also acts like she's so smart. I mean, she says she's read all the classics, and has already covered everything the science class has been doing. (Small town stereotyping, revisited. )
Oh, and if she's so smart, why doesn't she have the common sense to freak out when she's being stalked by a 100 year old man in a seventeen year old's body? I mean, honestly, she's flattered by that? Um, ew.
Bella's common sense could probably land her a Darwin Award for Fictional Characters. Actually, it probably will. At least, if I get any say in it.
Well, that's all for Bella. Enjoy your awards, Mary Sue!
Now, on to Edward:
Edward is, in breif, the worst characterized male protagonist I have ever read. He is so bad, in fact, that he, unlike Bella, doesn't deserve an award. As if being as being about as well characterized as Bella wasn't bad enough, he's got some major issues. They're so major, that I'm terrified that Stephenie Meyer said in an interview, "[Edward Cullen] is the perfect man...every boy should be like him." Here is a list, and it doesn't add vampire, because I'll let that slide, with it being a vampire romance and all.
List of Reasons Edward is a Terrible Boyfriend and Any Girl Who Wants Him is Insane
1. He is a hypocrite. Basically, he tells Bella to stay away from him while slobbering all over her face.
2. He stalks her. I mean, seriously, the school parking lot was one thing, but the dark alley? Seriously, this man should be arrested.
3. He manipulates her into lying to her family.
4. His attraction to her? The way she smells. That's right. It's like saying, "Your shampoo is chocolate scented. Marry me."
5.He won't let her have other friends, because he doesn't like them, or how they smell. (Anyone else sensing a pattern here?)
6. He's selfish. He does what he wants and doesn't give a darn what Bella thinks.
7. He sparkles. 'Nuff said.
8. He sounds like a freaking Hallmark card! I mean, cheesy sayings are all right every now and then, but they shouldn't be every sentence someone utters!
9. His stupid, reckless ways. Sure, he has super-human reflexes, but driving over the speed-limit is still unsafe. For someone who 'loves' Bella so much, he ought to show a bit more concern for her.
10. He's controlling and abusive--and Bella just goes along with it! (Our poor friend, Susan, rolls over in her grave again. (At least she's not on her stomach anymore!)) I mean, he doesn't let Bella think for herself. He puts her in danger and he doesn't seem to care!
Why do so many teenage girls love Edward? I have yet to figure that out. I keep thinking to myself, "They can't be so shallow they can obsess over someone as horrible as him." But sadly, they can.
According to a girl I know, it's because:
*He's so gorgeous. (Like we couldn't figure that out the first 100 times!)
*He's so caring. (*headdesk* Didn't we just discuss this? As in, he's the opposite!)
*He's a gentleman. (Old fashioned? Yes. Older than dirt? Yes. A gentleman? Not on your life!)
* He's every girl's ideal man. (Well, he ain't mine, so I guess I'm not a girl!)
Oh, and one more thing she said: "Guys just don't like Edward because they're jealous."
Jealous? Of what? A manipulative, overbearing stalker who sparkles in the sunlight? Give me a break! I know enough about how guys think to realise that's just another load of bologna. The real reason guys can't stand Edward is because now they feel like all the girls who might have given them a chance before probably won't because their idea of a perfect man is something utterly foul to anyone not lost in a fantasy about him. Guys probably feel like they'd be rejected, or at least, that their girlfriend, in her mind, would be replacing him with Edward. My advice to anyone in that situation is to dump her. She obviously doesn't deserve him. And if any guy asks me if I compare him to Edward, I'll tell him honestly, "There's no comparison! You're a million times better!"
So, in conclusion, Twilight is a horrible book filled with horrible characters, horrible role models and horrible ideas of love. Don't read it, because you will never get those precious hours of your life back.
Stay tuned for the rant on the book titles! And for my theories on the covers, as well as what will happen in Breaking Dawn based on them! (Entirely snark for my predictions. If any of it happens, I will be just as amazed as everyone else.)
My
Alow me to start with a question: Who was this lady's editor? I mean, honestly, there were more grammatical and spelling errors in just the first book than I've seen in un-beta'd fanfic. And I thought publishing companies had higher expectations. I've heard that original fiction has a lower publishing rate than fanfic. After briefly skimming--I could never, under any circumstances be forced to go through the process of reading it again--through Twilight again, I seriously doubted that statistic.
Moving on, another major flaw is the repetativeness of it all. I mean, sure she's so "in love" with Edward, but she has no point in elaborating on how perfect Edward is. Unless, of course, Stephenie Meyer has such a low opinion of her readers that she feels they don't get it the first fifty times. (No exaggeration.) Great, we get it. Get on with the plot already. Oh, that is the plot? Oh, dear. This is worse than I thought. Honestly, the book would be half as long if ever stinking unnecessary description was cut out!
Syntax, grammar, spelling, flow, repetitivness and plot issues aside, one of the most important aspects of writing remains: characterization. Pulling off well-rounded, likeable characters with whom people can sympathize is what can make or break a bok. You could have the greatest plot in the world, but if you can't amke your protagonists real, three demensional people, readers will start to wonder why they should care.
I shall now elaborate on the character flaws of the protagonists:
Bella Swann: First off, I must say this: Stephenie Meyer, you have got to be kidding me! Beatiful Swan? That is the Mary Sue of the month right there, just for her name.
*skips long definition of Mary Sue used when I wrote it for a fan friend*
Basically, everything about Bella is just the author trying to tell us, "Look at my darling! Love her the way I do!" Either she has no taste or is seeing something I'm not. While I have nothing against clumsiness, there is no possible way for someone to go from so clumsy, they all but need a handicap parking place and one of those blue stickers on their license plate to graceful enough to pretty much have to pretend to trip to catch uberhot!mysteryboy's attention.
Another problem with Bella is how she is the "oh so shy!new girl" and yet she has no less than two guys hanging on her every word by the end of second period, and has a whole bunch of new friends, while snubbing them all. She passes off the first guy who is actually polite to her as the "overly helpful chess club type." I wanted to strangle her, I honestly did. There is NOTHING WRONG with being the "chess club type." Oh, and next period, she meets a guy who says the EXACT SAME THINGS to her, and she immediately starts chatting with him. Discriminating much? I think so. By this point, my tut-tutting at Bella's Mary-Sue-ness has turned into a full-blown hatred.
And then there's her "TWU WUV" with Edward. I mean, come on. No female in her right mind would fall that head over heels in love with a guy that fast just because he's a GlamRock!vampire. Notice, I said "right mind." That is because his fanbase and Bella herself so obviously aren't. All Bella is and does probably makes poor, long dead Susan B. Anthony roll over in her grave and want to smack Stephenie Meyer upside the head with a hardcover edition of the book. Or maybe a thesaurus, but that's another story.
The only person Bella's angsting over Edward makes me want to hug and comfort is our good friend Susan back there.
Oh, and get this: Bella's heart literally, freaking stops when she kisses Edward. I mean, how wrong is that? My word, no one's heart is going to stop from kissing. They don't even do that in Hollywood!
And plus, she isn't even really in love with Edward. All the signs she's showing point to infatuation, bordering on lust. Is that really what we want teenage girls exposed to in these days of fractured families and crumbling morals? No! It disgusts me. I, for one, am completely against relationships based solely on looks. (Bella "loves" Edward because he's "oh so goreous, like OMG!" and Edward "loves" Bella because he can't read her mind and she smells good. I think he can't read her mind because there's nothing to read. Really, I should know. I had to read 500 pages of what's in there and it can be summed up in, "Liek, OMG, EDWARD! EDWARD IZ SO SEXY LIEK OMG! AND IF HE LEAVES ME ILL DI!" (note, I died a bit inside typing that.))
Even better is her sense of humor: "My mother was part albino." Seriously, she gets upset that the guy she's talking to doesn't find that funny! That is not funny, it's a disgrace! (I even read this one article about it, and it said that Mormons probably had no sense of humour, based on that. I'm very, very embarassed that SM is one of us. But wait! She started the cult that is Twilight! Maybe she really isn't! Anyway, I'm just saying, I'm considering becoming a stand-up comedian to help pay for college, so I find that offensive.)
And better yet? She called that gem of a phrase "heavy sarcasm." Isn't that so funny? </REAL sarcasm>
She also acts like she's so smart. I mean, she says she's read all the classics, and has already covered everything the science class has been doing. (Small town stereotyping, revisited. )
Oh, and if she's so smart, why doesn't she have the common sense to freak out when she's being stalked by a 100 year old man in a seventeen year old's body? I mean, honestly, she's flattered by that? Um, ew.
Bella's common sense could probably land her a Darwin Award for Fictional Characters. Actually, it probably will. At least, if I get any say in it.
Well, that's all for Bella. Enjoy your awards, Mary Sue!
Now, on to Edward:
Edward is, in breif, the worst characterized male protagonist I have ever read. He is so bad, in fact, that he, unlike Bella, doesn't deserve an award. As if being as being about as well characterized as Bella wasn't bad enough, he's got some major issues. They're so major, that I'm terrified that Stephenie Meyer said in an interview, "[Edward Cullen] is the perfect man...every boy should be like him." Here is a list, and it doesn't add vampire, because I'll let that slide, with it being a vampire romance and all.
List of Reasons Edward is a Terrible Boyfriend and Any Girl Who Wants Him is Insane
1. He is a hypocrite. Basically, he tells Bella to stay away from him while slobbering all over her face.
2. He stalks her. I mean, seriously, the school parking lot was one thing, but the dark alley? Seriously, this man should be arrested.
3. He manipulates her into lying to her family.
4. His attraction to her? The way she smells. That's right. It's like saying, "Your shampoo is chocolate scented. Marry me."
5.He won't let her have other friends, because he doesn't like them, or how they smell. (Anyone else sensing a pattern here?)
6. He's selfish. He does what he wants and doesn't give a darn what Bella thinks.
7. He sparkles. 'Nuff said.
8. He sounds like a freaking Hallmark card! I mean, cheesy sayings are all right every now and then, but they shouldn't be every sentence someone utters!
9. His stupid, reckless ways. Sure, he has super-human reflexes, but driving over the speed-limit is still unsafe. For someone who 'loves' Bella so much, he ought to show a bit more concern for her.
10. He's controlling and abusive--and Bella just goes along with it! (Our poor friend, Susan, rolls over in her grave again. (At least she's not on her stomach anymore!)) I mean, he doesn't let Bella think for herself. He puts her in danger and he doesn't seem to care!
Why do so many teenage girls love Edward? I have yet to figure that out. I keep thinking to myself, "They can't be so shallow they can obsess over someone as horrible as him." But sadly, they can.
According to a girl I know, it's because:
*He's so gorgeous. (Like we couldn't figure that out the first 100 times!)
*He's so caring. (*headdesk* Didn't we just discuss this? As in, he's the opposite!)
*He's a gentleman. (Old fashioned? Yes. Older than dirt? Yes. A gentleman? Not on your life!)
* He's every girl's ideal man. (Well, he ain't mine, so I guess I'm not a girl!)
Oh, and one more thing she said: "Guys just don't like Edward because they're jealous."
Jealous? Of what? A manipulative, overbearing stalker who sparkles in the sunlight? Give me a break! I know enough about how guys think to realise that's just another load of bologna. The real reason guys can't stand Edward is because now they feel like all the girls who might have given them a chance before probably won't because their idea of a perfect man is something utterly foul to anyone not lost in a fantasy about him. Guys probably feel like they'd be rejected, or at least, that their girlfriend, in her mind, would be replacing him with Edward. My advice to anyone in that situation is to dump her. She obviously doesn't deserve him. And if any guy asks me if I compare him to Edward, I'll tell him honestly, "There's no comparison! You're a million times better!"
So, in conclusion, Twilight is a horrible book filled with horrible characters, horrible role models and horrible ideas of love. Don't read it, because you will never get those precious hours of your life back.
Stay tuned for the rant on the book titles! And for my theories on the covers, as well as what will happen in Breaking Dawn based on them! (Entirely snark for my predictions. If any of it happens, I will be just as amazed as everyone else.)